Lexie's Diaries

writing, feelings, emotional stories and poems



It’s a new day in her life, just like all other days she’s survived until that moment. Nothing special about getting your phone back but it was never about the phone or media. The people, friends, including wrong ones too but what if …? 

Everyone has their own values and the idea of judging something you prefer to consider unimportant is disrespectful towards another person. 

She hates judgements, no matter who is the one making them. 

* * *



Feels like BPD…

They tell you have lost ur mind
Keep asking questions that u hate

Complaining about being anxious, nervous

Not knowing what ur going through

Wishing to tell the truth sometimes 

But only few restrain from judgement.

Much easier – ignoring, keeping silence

Why care about smb’s mood swings, emotions?

About being stuck and nervous

Suffering from the mind issues, 

Being hollow… 

But ppl will not understand, won’t ever, 

Just put the smiling mask on ‘pretty’ face, 

Hiding and masking undersurface…


Tonight. I am depersonalized…

I’m tired… I’m falling deeper
The worry, the anxiety is beating.

My heart may handle, it may stop

Don’t rip it up, it’s tough enough

Living derealized, in pain and comfort

Faint through nightmares, stopping thoughts

Creating drama out of ‘purple’

Her favorite color, glooming hues

Is all she’s seen tonight while dreaming

Seeing his figure’s shadow 

at the beginning of New Life

Asking herself if she deserved it…


Miserability feels like…

Sometimes I feel

Something within me

Bleeding inside

Wishing to die

The hollowness, the thirst, the hunger

That’s made me shiver to the point of faint

Cutting my skin, scratches remaining… Deeper and deeper, take that dagger

Stop me from breathing

Do not regret, enjoy, just killing…
Don’t hesitate, let go off hand

The one that’s trembling, almost dumb

Accept the coldness, starve till blood,

Will take you over, getting stronger

Damaging, ruining soul, decaying

Your miserable horror life

It’s an illusion… Opened door

Towards the consciousness, mind power,

Imagine things, imagined life…

Shutting the eyes, locking nightmares

The world is tough yet isn’t ruined

Not yet, not utterly at least…

For now, stay, I’ll die for you!

You’re better off without me…

Keep smiling. Don’t you dare worrying,

I’ll leave in hidden tears, never returning…


Life equals Dagger

The closest friends… Will never happen.

Again… Maybe it’s gone forever 

She’s started life, the one of Angel

With clarity and new directions

It’s time to let the present rule

And leave the darkness of the past to fade…
Afraid to make mistakes, to stumble

She’s standing on the edge of Dagger

Trying to keep balance between worlds

The one Inhabited by ghastly monsters

And on the other end – The Lost.
Feet are in blood, while she’s still walking…

Towards the future, fixing lights

Along this murky, gloomy boulevard.

To build that steady, structured city

Get rid of dust and dirt on streets

And take a walk, with head up high

Feel that at least for once it’s Right.
A bit of pride, knowing she’s fixed it

With smile and peace in heart

Ready to go through all the pain, 

To finally move on, 

Taking another step along the endless… Dagger, which represents our lives, 

Our fight and struggles,

The game, defining who’ll remain, 

And who will fall hard in the void, 

Who’s failed, having lost the Balance…


The Special…

The perfect moment, being happy The feelings that has lit your life

And added colors on the canvas,

Don’t ever let this second go…
And let it freeze, the time at standstill

Two figures somewhere together, disappearing…

In crowds, shadows, under the sunlight

Those smiling eyes in one another

To be sincere, become special

To keep the loyalty, compassion

Support each other, fill with courage

Go up against all envy glances

The only things defined as heaven

Save those most precious things forever…


Don’t take it easy…

Hard on the wall

The bruised fist

Punch from a the heart

Let anger leave

Your sigh, your gasp…

Just go, be hurt, damage yourself.

Your don’t deserve another chance…
And ruled by hatred, led by screams

Weak steps, your burning lungs,

Those purple marks left on your skin

The bleeding knuckles…Go, continue.

Her trembling body, glance and fear

The loss of someone who’s devoted,

Would give own life to stay beside 

Just see you beaming one more time…


The Energy

The power overwhelming you
Have you been drunk? On drugs? Totally wasted?

And now roaming recklessly around me…
Just let me go, stop chasing endless…

Love… No, I’ve betrayed you after…

Waiting, too long… For you to need me

Do not pretend, I sense the fakery.
Stop crippling over skin, my pale purple body

Grabbing with nails, long thin fingers

Filthy, beautiful… Gimme the damn e-cigarette!

I’m not a smoker, ain’t insane

Just being stupid, playing games

With you… I’m trapped, I’m risking!
And while drowning in this blur,

With neither energy nor life support,

Last spark went out, I don’t see you

Anymore… And I don’t need to…

The world you showed appeared dizzy

I’ve barely managed to exist

I lost myself and I’ve failed you

Knowing it’s toxic, did not stop it

Just one more sip of energy…


In the end…love bites

Her laugh and cuteness Overwhelmed him

They got attached, breaking main rules

What had been awkward became loose

‘Forgive me please, she signed at last

I didn’t mean to…’ She sadly said

Not realizing it’s a trap

They’re cool, they’re close

Restrain oneself, don’t cross the border

They’ve created.

She suddenly became addicted…
‘I think I love you as a friend,

Her first admitting all she felt,

‘Stop crying, girl, 

It’s not the end,

I love you too, my little friend’,
Those words were marked,

Forever left,

In memory… 

Give them just moment, he’d forget…

Whichever promises he’d made

She still in love but they are distant,

No more attachment. Empty tears.

“You weren’t real from the start,

But I’ve felt it all this time, 

Recently buried in heart, the promise, trust, devotion, love… 

I’ll let you go, quietly leave

It is my fault, I’ll bear with it…”


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