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Lexie's Diaries

writing, feelings, emotional stories and poems

The Energy

The power overwhelming you
Have you been drunk? On drugs? Totally wasted?

And now roaming recklessly around me…
Just let me go, stop chasing endless…

Love… No, I’ve betrayed you after…

Waiting, too long… For you to need me

Do not pretend, I sense the fakery.
Stop crippling over skin, my pale purple body

Grabbing with nails, long thin fingers

Filthy, beautiful… Gimme the damn e-cigarette!

I’m not a smoker, ain’t insane

Just being stupid, playing games

With you… I’m trapped, I’m risking!
And while drowning in this blur,

With neither energy nor life support,

Last spark went out, I don’t see you

Anymore… And I don’t need to…

The world you showed appeared dizzy

I’ve barely managed to exist

I lost myself and I’ve failed you

Knowing it’s toxic, did not stop it

Just one more sip of energy…

@lexiealie

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In the end…love bites

Her laugh and cuteness Overwhelmed him

They got attached, breaking main rules

What had been awkward became loose

‘Forgive me please, she signed at last

I didn’t mean to…’ She sadly said

Not realizing it’s a trap

They’re cool, they’re close

Restrain oneself, don’t cross the border

They’ve created.

She suddenly became addicted…
‘I think I love you as a friend,

Her first admitting all she felt,

‘Stop crying, girl, 

It’s not the end,

I love you too, my little friend’,
Those words were marked,

Forever left,

In memory… 

Give them just moment, he’d forget…

Whichever promises he’d made

She still in love but they are distant,

No more attachment. Empty tears.

“You weren’t real from the start,

But I’ve felt it all this time, 

Recently buried in heart, the promise, trust, devotion, love… 

I’ll let you go, quietly leave

It is my fault, I’ll bear with it…”

@lexiealie

We are afraid…

Our biggest fear and confusion in life is ‘The Change’… 

We are afraid of what’s coming, not even realizing that without it we would’ve missed so much amazing things in life!
@lexie_alie

Feeling sorry for being You

‘I am sorry, I really am deeply sorry… ‘ Quite miserable and stupid but sometimes… that’s the only thing you have left to say. You keep apologizing, constantly blaming the reality within yourself, while knowing that people don’t need these words, having already forgiven you a long time ago. But You Need it, you must hear ‘it’s ok’ just one more time, as it’ll calm you down. That’s useless, because if you can’t fix yourself, not able to find self-acceptance, you are practically and literally A VICTIM and a prisoner in your own being. From personal experience, always searching for support in others as a child, I’ve realized that NO ONE CAN HELP YOU UNTIL YOU FIX YOUR BRAIN AND CHANGE THE ATTITUDE. Stop waiting for someone to solve your problems. Even if it seems like people help you in finding ways out. That’s temporary and you have to be able to stay on your own, being totally independent in order to live a successful, beautiful life…
@lexiealie

Keep feeding Devil… 

From the beginning, starting over
On this blank paper, brush the past

Finding connections between the pieces

From the remaining dust and glass…
New life, new passion, dreams, ambitions

The past still bugs her but she’ll handle

With time… Taking all memories away…
After the light, there is a darkness. 

And afterwards – one glooming spark

With the beginning, goes new ends,

Attachments, lies that lead to Hell, 

Inhabited by inner creatures you have raised.

To feel, be hurt, enjoy, then suffer,

The pain for debt you couldn’t pay

Just play along, it’s part you

It’s in the bloodstream since your birth.

Don’t waste the time searching for cure, 

Not even treatment will you find. 

The Devil, You, keep feeding demons

Until they haven’t devoured you… 

@lexie_alie

it’s forcing us to live

At times I wonder what’s holding me in this world, from leaving…Life is so damn complicated, so why? Why we keep struggling, improving, trying to work things out when we face unbearable challenges, when we are hurt and seems like there is not much to lose?

I can’t tell you the answer, because those ain’t words… It is a Feeling.  And that feeling is that same Reason, the answer, which is unsurprisingly very different for everyone.

Something personal each one of us, as a human, has, finding hard time expressing…

‘Just smile one more time for me…’,

@lexiealie

losing yourself

Maybe losing something, someone is not that scary in fact. We never know what has been loss and what has been already lost before. You don’t really know what loss is because maybe it just an illusion you have to rethought in your head. Sometimes things seem to be to blurred and messed up that it only seems to be so damn bad when I fact , it’s almost nothing.

But I wouldn’t disregard anyone’s thoughts or problems. It’s far too personal to judge even though some people look pretty stupid at times. Judgement is what gets in the way of any friendship, any kind of relations between people in general. We are used to it and it comes almost automatically but that’s not the way to go.

I keep noticing that people don’t respect each other and I’ll admit it implies to me too but at least I do realize it’s wrong. It’s really hard to escape it. And losing respect, trust is even worse. I don’t feel like we can gain it back, to be honest, because even if we do, there is always gonna be something holding us back. Fear… Of losing it again.

A person who has been truth-worthy , once having done something to lose trust, will doubtfully become that close person again.

You’ll never be the same despite anything.

Like a gap between two identities I find hard time to live with… That feels like loss, as we are losing some part of person, and we are afraid, insecure that this may happen again and again. Like a cycle full of frustration and pain…

P.S Stay strong, it’s not over.  You ain’t done yet…

@lexiealie

’Perfect’ ain’t simple

Perfection… Seems like the aim of life sometimes, the main goal. Not foolish, although some may think of it this way at times. But we all yearn for it, ain’t we? It’s not just a random habit of perfectionists!

It’s true because each and every one of us tries, if not always, but at least for once, to improve themselves, find the right way towards a better, ‘perfect’ life. And besides, isn’t that what people were trying to achieve through centuries? I mean we know that term ” Utopia” that they could never truly put in reality but still constantly imagining it… Right?

Some may think it’s crazy to live by rules and principles created by oneself but isn’t it what we’ve been doing throughout the life, living by certain rules and laws? There is definitely something definite about the “right” way of living and thinking and what else? Just a way to control little things, in my opinion.

Even though it’s damn hard, I feel like a person, any person, can achieve so much in life by simply having developed mind control, discipline and hard work, of course. It’s sad that many people, even the closest ones aren’t as supportive or understanding as I wish they’d be but maybe it’s ok just the way it is…

They have the right to their opinion, even if they don’t respect yours or simply disregard it somehow. All I’ve managed to understand is that sometimes we have to tolerate things the way they are, accept what we got and move on, without trying to change people. It’s useless and others don’t like it.

The truth is there is no pill, no cure that would get a dream life, no push you or make life simpler. Only by conquering yourself, the most powerful enemy you can have, it’s possible to achieve and find ‘perfection’ within our inner world and achiave balance in life.

@lexiealie

Smart ‘blueprint’

Experiment and play with Life as much as you want BUT :

Don’t forget to set the strategy before your Game is Over…

@lexiealie

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